Discharged, with a Curse

I'm taking you back a few months, to the day I was discharged.

[Fade out.]

[Fade in to our weird breakfast conversation on the unit.]

OTHER PATIENT: I'm psychotic.

KAT: I'm sui-

[Freeze frame.]

Voice Over: HOLD IT! Too far! Let's take it forward a bit.

[Fade out.]

[Fade in to Kat in the TV room, The Doctor is In!]

DR R: So, how are the suicidal thoughts?

KAT: [Fidgets in chair, then sighs.] They're there, but vague.

DR R: So you're still having them, but they're not as strong.

KAT: [Thinking, v/o] Duh.

DR R: Can you promise us you won't hurt yourself?

KAT: Yea. [Fidgets some more.]

DR R: Okay. [Speaking to CYW.] I'll cancel the form. [Speaking to Kat.] You should know that you have borderline personality traits. So we'll have to make sure that doesn't progress to the full disorder.

KAT: [Thinking, v/o] We? I have seen you four times in the past four years, counting today and yesterday.

DR R: Okay.

[All exit the room. Kat is excited to get out of hospital clothes, which suck.]

[Fade out.]

Wasn't that a fun journey? I edited some parts out, you know, keep a little mystery going. I'm joking of course, I'm pretty open about all this stuff. But I did do some editing. Anyways, within the next few days I learned what this new half-diagnosis meant.

• I'm manipulative.
• I'm attention-seeking.
• I have...abandonment issues? What the hell?

Yea, not really with the abandonment. I can think of a lot of times I felt pretty alone, but from what I've read, I'm not even close to having abandonment issues worthy of being part of the DSM-IV criteria. But the other two, I guess you could say that. I'm very sneaky and passive-aggressive, although I'm starting to become more assertive. (Oh, by the way, you can stop listening to the Beach Boys now. It doesn't really work with this part.)

Here is why I'm manipulative and attention-seeking:
I've tried to kill myself a few times already, at least three times in 2007, (but they only know about two) and a lot more in previous years. So! By attempting suicide, I am manipulating the people around me to stop and pay attention.

This is pretty much true. Every other time I've tried to kill myself, I really just wanted someone to step in and help me. I didn't really want to die, at least not forever. I wanted to be able to skip all those horrible bits, and I wanted someone to really, really listen to me. I was drowning! I was sinking further and further down, and I needed a hand up. This time, it was different. But when I got to the 'lorspital, I decided, "Since I won't die, maybe...they can actually help me this time." And I knew what I was doing, when I answered all those questions truthfully. Just...some part of me thought that if I didn't lie this time, if I let them do what they had to do, something would change.

But nothing changed. I came out of the hospital with this new curse of BPD traits, and the knowledge that now nobody would listen. Nobody would help, because the next time I really need someone, and I talk to them before doing anything permanent, I'm going to be attention-seeking. Don't they see though? Don't they see that I AM attention seeking? I am seeking their help! I am telling them, "I am not strong enough to do this on my own, I know that, I need your help."

Suicide attempts are often referred to as "a cry for help." Analyst Joseph Laufer noted that, "this very apt term has fallen into disrepute because it has been used in a pejorative way about those who have attempted suicide, implying that they behaved in a manipulative way to draw attention to themselves." (1)

"...research with girls shows that dismissing teenage girls' suicidal behavior as manipulation overlooks what may have been the meaning of the suicidal act in the first place. They may have learned to manipulate, but are doing so in a spirit of hope, of getting needs met that have no been met otherwise. The original meaning of the word "manipulative" is "to lead by the hand." When suicidal acts enable girls to get help, it is inaccurate to see these acts as merely "manipulative". Treating them as such can lead girls to give up hope. And then, psychologically or literally, they are more likely to kill themselves."(2)

Can't these people see? With their years in med school, residency, clinical training, and then just plain practicing medicine and their specialty, are they now blind to the fact they we are screaming, we are shouting, and we are telling them, "I trust you, I need you, please, please, help me."


1. Laufer, J. (1995). The Suicidal Child. Madison, CT: International Universities Press, 1995, p. 104.
2. Machoian, Lisa. (2006.) The Disappearing Girl. Plume: Penguin Group USA, 2006, p.174.