Fighting the Relapse Beast

Part of why it's so difficult for me when people say that I'll get better and I'll be so close to remission again is because I was so close. I was about to rock a college certificate, I had proved to myself that I was ready for university, but it all came crashing down two weeks before I would have finished that achievement. It just makes me think that there's no point to moving forward from this because I'll have another relapse and become completely capable of anything again. And when that's over, I'll have to start all over again.

Life isn't linear, it's not like once you've failed college you can't go back and try, but it does go on despite whatever is happening in your life. I can work so hard and not really get significantly better and time is going to keep on passing. I'm never going to catch up to my age mates in the rat race and that's something I think I'll feel badly about for a long time. They have had so many different experiences while I am having a completely different one that really gets me nowhere in the calculation of success. I haven't completed any level of education past grade 10, I haven't lived away from home, I haven't dated, all because of this damn illness that's going to dog me forever. There is no cure for depression. I can deal, I deal with my anxieties and my OCD, but to be completely honest that's not the life I want. I don't want to deal, I don't want to be afraid that the next week somethings going to conk out and my life is going to grind to a halt again for reasons that I can't really explain. This summer everything stopped because I was exhausted, and that led to a million other things. Next time maybe it'll be the anxiety which will lead to the other things. The uncertainty of not knowing when or if a relapse is going to strike bothers me quite a bit.

My urgency to find something now is because I know with my history it's most likely that I'll have more relapses throughout my life. I've been so close to the edge this time that if I were to get that close again I don't think I would have the strength to fight it, and with that experiences I`ve gathered of the adult mental health system there are strong barriers to seeking help for it. You don't know...even when you've experienced it, once you're healthy and you're part of the world again you always think it's not going to be that bad. Next time you'll be stronger because you have the perspective of having been healthy. It doesn't work like that. Once it's back, you're in it. It's all consuming, overwhelming, there is no thought that doesn't lead back to it. If I don't find something that will work now and in the future, I'll die because that's just how strong my episodes are. I truly don`t know if I can face more jagged edges like that and come back from it. It`s taken a lot to be at a place where I want to come back. Even now I`m extremely hesitant, I can`t see a future for me that I want to live through.

Depression and Work

I'm not at work today. I'm not picking up Pau's fantastic wrappingness, I'm not serving customers, I'm not filling box cards.

I can't.

And my parents, and Janice, don't believe this is real. I know it's frustrating to have calls coming about me saying I can't work, usually with less than 24h notice. Or even 1h notice. But this is the face of my illness. This is the compromise you make by hiring me, someone who is dedicated even with a job I hate, who will keep on answering, "Are you charging Canadian or American prices?" without swearing at customers, who will spend her break working because there's only one girl on the floor and it's busy.

I know, I know I shouldn't say this, but I wish this had been an illness that people could see, or measure. Something that didn't come with stigma attached.

Anti-Depressant Side Effects

Most of you know, (since pretty much only five people read this blog) that I'm switching meds right now. I've been on citalopram, escitalopram, and now I'm going on sertraline. (I'm using the umm...confusing names, because the name a medication is marketed under differs by countries. For example, escitalopram is Cipralex in Canada, and Lexapro in the US.) Whenever I was switching from other meds I'd get like...dry mouth. And since last November I've been really, really sleepy. But now! Now! My God! I slept 26 hours on Monday. My legs feel shaky...I'm afraid to go into stores again...still having panic attacks a lot...everything is TOO LOUD...and I'm so goddamn sad.

And my parents don't realize that... they still think I'm just sleeping through the day because I'm lazy or stayed up too late at night. I missed a lot of school this week, and believe me, I'd RATHER be at school! I guess because all the other times I switched meds, they were involved with that. When I started on the citalopram, they even came up to the clinic. With the escitalopram I had to go to the other clinic, and the rescheduled my appointment once so they knew about that...but this time, I went to...nevermind. I went to my doctor, then my family doctor, then the lab for blood tests and an ECG, then back to my doctor, then to the pharmacy where my mom got mad because it took so long to fill the prescription. Yea, and that's totally my fault.